Theory of Observable Coordination

After years of intense research on the subject, I have developed the Theory of Observable Coordination. In said theory, I posit that the amount of physical coordination (or lack thereof) possessed by an individual (we’ll call our individual Sam) at any given moment is directly proportional to the number and degree of importance of the people present. For instance, on a scale of 1 to 10:

  • Sam’s dog who loves him no matter what = 1
  • Sam’s cat who feigns apathy but mocks him inwardly = 2
  • Random dude going through Sam’s trash can = 3
  • Sam’s smartass younger brother = 5 (due to ongoing heckle-ability)
  • Sam’s hipper social acquaintances = 6
  • Sam’s boss (a real battle axe, that one) = 9
  • The person that Sam’s been crushing on for months and tonight could be the night = 10

You get the idea. If x=percent chance of Sam committing a humiliating act of klutziness; y=number of people present in the immediate vicinity; and z=the average of y’s assigned numerical importance (subjective of course to Sam’s personal means of ranking import), then:

x = y(z) / 100

To illustrate, if Sam is hanging out at home with his critters and decides to do some yoga (he’s sensitive like that), y = 2 (# of pets present), z = 1.5 (average of their degrees of importance), so in this instance Sam has only a 3% chance of humiliation. Of course we may need to build in an allowance for different sorts of activities, I mean, he is doing yoga, and that should somewhat raise Sam’s chance of humiliation. Well, we’ll get back to that…

Now if Sam walks into a room at a party and sees that 6 angry exes are having a tete-a-tete regarding Sam’s flawed character and other myriad inherent shortcomings, then y=6, z=10, and he has a 60% chance of utter humiliation while beating his retreat. Of course, it goes without saying that if your x > 100%, you’re pretty much screwed. Sorry guys.

Questions? Comments? Additions? Funny stories?

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